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Aviva: "I'm sorry I called you an asshole."

Tim: "I'm sorry I am one."


"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over."

Frank Zappa

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank."

Woody Allen

"To steal ideas from on person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

Felson's Law

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again."

Clint Eastwood

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."

M. Somerset Maugham

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds, and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy."


"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you have to work under adverse conditions...like a state of sheer terror."

W. K. Hartmann

Buffy: "She's playing you. She tried to kill you."

Angel: "That was just...that was just a cry for help."

Buffy: "A cry for help is when you say 'help' in a loud voice."


Calvin: "I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius."

Hobbes: "What's misunderstood about you?"

Calvin: "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."

"Calvin & Hobbes"

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its students."

Hector Berlioz

"In vino veritas."
In wine there is truth.


Mal: "Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, if you don't hear from me within the hour, you take the ship...and you come and you rescue me."

Zoe: "What? Risk my ship?"


Marge: "You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along."

Homer: "You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people."

"The Simpsons"

"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, He would have made them cute and furry."

Dave Barry

High Priest: "Armaments Chapter One, versus nine through twenty-seven."

Brother Maynard: "And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high saying, 'Oh Lord, bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies into tiny bits.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and the stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima bean—"

High Priest: "Skip a bit, brother."

Brother Maynard: "And then the Lord spake, saying, 'First, shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.' Amen."

All: "Amen."

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

"Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't."

Mark Twain

"Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens but much extinguishes it."

Hannah More

"Knowledge is power; knowledge shared is power lost."

Aleister Crowley

"Ponder and deliberate before you make a move."

"The Art of War" by Sun Tzu

"Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was...a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. one. bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. Turns to me and he says, 'Why so serious?' Comes at me with the knife, 'Why so serious?' He sticks the blade in my mouth. 'Let's put a smile on that face!' And...why so serious?"

The Joker, "The Dark Knight"

"You say tomato, I say pimp."

Michael Westen, "Burn Notice"

Monique: "What is the state abbreviation for Milwaukee?"

Amanda: "Uhm. MI?"

Me: "That's Michigan. Uhm. Let me look it up. ...Uh. Milwaukee is not a state."

Amanda: "Wisconsin! WI."

Monique: "I have an excuse, I'm not from [the US]."

Me: "We have an excuse, too! We're American! We're not supposed to know these things, that's what the internets are for."

Personal Quote

(my mother and her boyfriend are lawyers)

Mom's Boyfriend: "Did you read this case? God, it's disgusting."

Mom: "Oh, the one that came out today? Yeah, I started it, but I haven't finished it."

Mom's Boyfriend: "It's disgusting."

Me: "...Why?"

Mom's Boyfriend: "This guy killed five women in Phoenix and he liked to keep their bodies around."

Me: "That's all I need to know!"

Mom's Boyfriend: "To have sex with them."

Me: "Don't tell me anymore!"

Mom: "I've got it in the car. I'll go get it."

Mom's Boyfriend: "That's not the worst of it."

Me: "Don't!"

Mom's Boyfriend: "He smelled so bad at work that—"

Me: "You are not allowed to speak for the rest of the night."

Mom: "Here it is!"

Me: "Ahh!"

Personal Quote

Six: "We're humanity's children. That makes them our parents, in a sense."

Doral: "Parents have to die. That's how children come into their own."

Me: "...I got a job."

Mom: "I like that better."

"Battlestar Galactica"; Personal Quote

Me: "Last Friday, I took some of the leaves and stems from your plants and I blessed people with them. By smacking them over the head with them. Carol [the payroll clerk] was not impressed. I don't think I'm getting my next paycheck."

Cindy: "And what lesson have we learned?"

Me: "Don't bless Carol with leaves."

Cindy: "There you go."

Personal Quote

Sako: "What was your question about?"

Robbi: "Jellyfish and nuts, actually."

Sako: "...?"

Robbi: "Allergic reactions!"

Sako: "No, jellyfish are not allergic to nuts."

Personal Quote

Me: "I don't like the hotels. They look like office buildings. I would not want to stay in them."

Tim: "That's because you're pretentious."

Me: "I am not! I just like my hotels to be comfortable and aesthetically pleasing."

Tim: "Yeah, 'pretentious' fits."

Personal Quote

Tim: "Don't even start with me today.."

Me: "Enh."

(I almost drop my bagel and get cream cheese on my hand)

Tim: "Hah! That's karma right there."

Me: "If it was karma, it would have fallen on my blouse."

Tim: "That's just a taste. God's saying, 'Don't mess with my boy.' I wouldn't get in a car today. ...I would feel terrible if you got in a car accident now."

Me: "I'd totally blame you."

Tim: "I'd start drinking scotch again."

Personal Quote

Nikki: "My toes aren't painted, I don't like to show them when they're naked."

Me: "Chris is like that, too."

Chris: "It's true, if I don't have a fresh pedicure? No way I'm showing my feet."

Me: "That's why he always wears closed toed shoes."

Personal Quote

"Tell the truth and run."

Yugoslav proverb

"With enough courage, you can do without a reputation."

Rhett Butler, "Gone With the Wind"

"I have just come to a realization! This scroll by Broken Sword contains no secrets of his swordsmanship. What this reveals is his highest ideal. In the first state, man and sword become one and each other. Here, even a blade of grass can be used as a lethal weapon. In the next stage, the sword resides not in the hand but in the heart. Even without a weapon, the warrior can slay his enemy from a hundred paces. But the ultimate ideal is when the sword disappears altogether. The warrior embraces all around him. The desire to kill no longer exists. Only peace remains."

King of Qin, "Hero"

Dean: "Croatoan?"

Sam: "Yeah."

Dean: "..."

Sam: "Roanoke...lost colony...ring a bell? Dean, did you pay any attention in history class?"

Dean: "Yeah. Shot heard 'round the world, how bills become laws..."

Sam: "That's not school, that's Schoolhouse Rock!"


"Are you trying to save my soul?"

Roy, "The Fall"

"Mother is God in the eyes of a child."

Sybil, "Silent Hill" (film)

"Nothing is ever certain."

"The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold

"'You have the right to remain silent,' the big cop said in his robot's voice. 'If you do not choose to remain silent, anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. I'm going to kill you. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand your rights as I have explained them to you?'"

"Desperation" by Stephen King

"We know this about Chelmno: that 320,000 people died there altogether, gassed in the vans. From February 22 to April 2, 1942, there were 34,073 exterminated. From May 4 to 15 another 11,680 people were gassed there. The Nazis were such exquisite record keepers. Numbers—not names.

The killings began in mid-January 1942 and, with several interruptions, ended January 17, 1945, when the guards slaughtered the remaining prisoners just ahead of the liberation by the Russian army. Two men—both part of the forced grave-digging detail—managed to escape, though shackled, in the early years. Two other men were miraculously alive in the camp at the war's end. During the time that this book posits a rescue—June of 1942—there are no records of killings, which may mean that there were no actual deaths or more likely that those particular records have been lost.

The town of Chelmno exists. There may be a priest there, but I have never met him. There may be good people there. I have never heard them interviewed.

This is a book of fiction. All the characters are made up. Happy-ever-after is a fairy tale notion, not history. I know of no woman who escaped from Chelmno alive."

Author's Note, "Briar Rose" by Jane Yolen

"In a Scottish version of the story, a trout in a well takes the role we now associate with a magical mirror. Each day a queen asks, 'Am I not the loveliest woman in the world?' The trout assures the queen that she is...until he daughter comes of age, surpassing the mother in beauty. The queen falls ill with envy, summons the king, and demands the death of their daughter. He pretends to comply, but sends the girl off to marry a foreign king. Eventually the trout informs the queen that the princess is still alive—so she crosses the sea to her daughter's kingdom, and kills her with a poisoned needle. The young king, grieving, locks his beloved's corpse away in a high tower. Eventually he takes another wife, who notes that he always seems sad. 'What gift,' she asks, 'could I give to you, husband, so that you would know joy and laughter again?' He tells her that nothing can bring him joy but his first wife restored to life. She sends her husband up to the tower, where he finds his beloved alive and well—for his second wife had discovered the girl, and removed the poisoned needle from her finger. The lovers thus reunited, the good-hearted second wife offers to go away. 'Oh! indeed you shall not go away,' says the king, 'but I shall have both of you now.' They live happily together until (blast that trout!) the jealous queen gets wind of the fact that her daughter has come back to life. She crosses the ocean once again, bearing a poisoned drink this time. The clever second wife, takes matters in hand. She greets the wicked queen on the shore, and tricks the woman into drinking from the poisoned cup herself. After this, the young king and his two wives enjoy a long, peaceful life."

Introduction, "White As Snow" by Tanith Lee

Elaine: "I want to make out with Natalie Portman for real."

Me: "You mean instead of in your head?"

Elaine: "We don't make out in my head."

Me: "...Elaine."

Elaine: "We snuggle."

Personal Quote

Ben: "[The broken broom] bit me. Where's the superglue?"

Me: "You are not using superglue on your cut."

Ben: "That's what it was originally intended for!"

Me: "Let me get the first aid kit."

Ben: "Well, it was!"

Me: "When you cut your finger off, then I'll let you use superglue. Think of it as incentive."

Personal Quote

"This is what I believe: That I am I. That my soul is a dark forest. That my known self will never be more than a little clearing in the forest. That gods, strange gods, come forth from the forest into the clearing of my known self, and then go back. That I must have the courage to let them come and go."

D.H. Lawrence

"What society fails to realize is that the tension between the police and the judiciary has always been fundamental to our constitutional system. It is intentional and constitutes the real difference between a free society and a police state."

Nicholas Katzenbach

"If you do, I'll tell everyone you're secretly fat."

"The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish" by Neil Gaiman

Me: "Happy Jesus Day!"

Mom: "Happy Resurrection Day."

Me: "Happy Zombie Day!"

Mom: "...I'm fond of 'resurrection'."

Personal Quote

Elaine: "What's my flavor?"

Me: "Ben's vanilla cream, I'm chocolate cream, and you're strawberry cream."

Elaine: "And together, we shall be Napoleon!"

Me: "Neopolitan?"

Elaine: "Er."

Me: "And together, we are a short, insane Frenchman!"

Personal Quote

Me: "You know when you're the only girl in a whole group of guys?"

Barb: "No. It's been a while since I've been gangbanged."

Personal Quote

"David Koresh probably wasn't the messiah. If he was...the FBI really screwed up."

Mo Rocca, "I Love the 90's"

"This is where it gets weird. I'm in a computer game! It's the first time I've actually played with myself in a decent manner..."

Will Kemp

"Merciful death, how you love your precious guilt."

Lestat, "Interview With the Vampire" by Anne Rice

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