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Quotes

(I used to work at a place where we had to look at porn sites)

Kelly: "Maybe you can tell me. Why do we have a mobile hung [from the ceiling]?"

John: (considers seriously) "As far as I can tell, they think we're all babies and need something to look at."

Me: "Mental stimulation. 'Tired of looking at porn, look at the circles and squares!'"

John: "I'm just as offended as you are."

Personal Quote

"Amplius lava me ab iniquitate mea; et a peccato meo munda me."
Wash me from my iniquity, and cleanse me of my sin.

Latin Psalm 50

John: "I got scared and ran and then got chased by a bee."

Me: "Did it chase you far?"

John: "About twenty feet. I was convulsing and flailing across the grass and people pointed. Happens to me once a week or so."

Personal Quote

John: "So when are you gonna come to my play? It opens next Thursday. I'll be naked in it."

Me: "So I should be sure to bring my mom?"

John: "No. If I were naked, no one would come...and if anyone tried to I would shoot them as they sat down."

Personal Quote

Chin: "How do you remember so much?"

Song: "I'm an actor."

Chin: "Yeah. Is that how come you dress like that?"

Song: "Like what, Miss Chin?"

Chin: "Like that dress! You're wearing a dress. And every time I come here, you're wearing a dress. Is that because you're an actor? Or what?"

Song: "It's a...disguise, Miss Chin."

Chin: "Actors, I think they're all weirdos. My mother tells me actors are like gamblers or prostitutes or—"

Song: "It helps me in my assignment."

Chin: "You're not gathering information in any way that violates Communist Party principles, are you?"

Song: "Why would I do that?"

Chin: "Just checking. Remember: when working for the Great Proletarian State, you represent our Chairman Mao in every position you take."

Song: "I'll try to imagine the Chairman taking my positions."

Chin: "We all think of him this way. Good-bye, comrade. ...Comrade?"

Song: "Yes?"

Chin: "Don't forget: there is no homosexuality in China!"

Song: "Yes, I've heard."

"M. Butterfly" by David Henry Hwang

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

Sixth Grader

"Cillian [Murphy] was very worried about doing his scenes naked. As actors always are. We had the closed set and nobody was allowed to make any jokes all day, in case they were misinterpreted."

Danny Boyle, "28 Days Later" commentary

Customer: "I didn't sign up for that."

Me: "Sir, your address, e-mail, and CVV2 number match."

Customer: "Well, I had a computer virus."

Me: "...A computer virus cannot sign you up for a porn site, sir."

Personal Quote

Me: "Are you putting all the letters in your username and password in lowercase?"

Customer: "Uhm...well, I'm putting the letters in lowercase. Do I need to put the numbers in lowercase?"

Me: "...What?"

Customer: "Well, the numbers are bigger than the letters. Do I need to use the shift key to make the numbers small?"

Me: "No...just...uhm...the numbers can be big."

Personal Quote

Customer: "I never signed up for that."

Me: "All your information matches."

Customer: "I never signed up for it!"

Me: "It was started in December of last year."

Customer: "I never did it!"

Me: "It was canceled in February."

Customer: "It wasn't me!"

Me: "So the credit card thief was considerate enough to call and cancel for you?"

Personal Quote

"The theatre department is crawling with gay men. Not only gay men, but flaming I THINK I HAVE A VAGINA type gay men."

John, Personal Quote

"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."

Max Ehrmann

"There's not the least thing can be said or done, but people will talk and find fault."

Dante Alighieri

"They said (the Morning After pill) would promote promiscuity; what about MySpace, motherfucker?!"

Margaret Cho

"Why do they think 'fat dyke' is an insult? To me, it means I get to eat fried chicken and pussy. That's why I brought a wet-nap."

Margaret Cho

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend."

"Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey

"Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night."

Isaac Asimov

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

Galileo Galilei

"If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction."

Judith Hayes

"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."

Bill Maher

"No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means."

George Bernard Shaw

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."

Dalai Lama

"Discrimination is something that many of us know, and there were times when we wanted to cry out for justice. You might be tempted by violent means in order for injustice to be removed. There are very many of us who are seeking non-violent means in order to remove injustice and discrimination imposed on us. Sometimes those discriminating against us act in the name of God, of the truth. We may belong to the third world, or we may belong to a particular race, we may be people of color, we may be gay or lesbian, and we have been discriminated against for thousands of years. So how to work on it, how to liberate ourselves from the suffering of being a victim of discrimination and oppression? In Christianity it is said that God created everything, including man, and there is a distinction made between the creator and the creature. The creature is something created by God. When I look at a rose, a tulip, or a chrysanthemum, I know, I see, I think, that this flower is a creation of God. Because I have been practicing as a Buddhist, I know that between the creator and the created there must be some kind of link, otherwise creation would not be possible. So the chrysanthemum can say that God is a flower, and I agree, because there must be the element "flower" in God so that the flower could become a reality. So the flower has the right to say that God is a flower.

"The white person has the right to say that God is white, and the black person also has the right to say that God is black. In fact, if you go to Africa, youíll see that the Virgin Mary is black. If you donít make the statue of the Virgin Mary black, it does not inspire people. Because to us the black people, "black is beautiful," so a black person has the right to say that God is black, and in fact I also believe that God is black, but God is not only black, God is also white, God is also a flower. So when a lesbian thinks of her relationship with God, if she practices deeply, she can find out that God is also a lesbian. Otherwise how could you be there? God is a lesbian, that is what I think, and God is gay also. God is no less. God is a lesbian, but also a gay, a black, a white, a chrysanthemum. It is because you donít understand that, that you discriminate.

"When you discriminate against the black or the white, or the flower, or the lesbian, you discriminate against God, which is the basic goodness in you. You create suffering all around you, and you create suffering within yourself, and it is delusion, ignorance, that is the basis of your action, your attitude of discrimination. If the people who are victims of discrimination practice looking deeply, they will say that I share the same wonderful relationship with God, I have no complex. Those who discriminate against me, do so because of their ignorance. "God, please forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing." If you reach that kind of insight, you will no longer get angry at that person who discriminates against you, and you might have compassion toward him or her. You will say: "He does not know what he is doing. He is creating a lot of suffering around him and within him. I will try to help him." So your heart opens like a flower and suffering is no longer there, you have no complex at all, and you turn to be a bodhisattva in helping the people who have been discriminating against you. That is the way I see it, out of my practice of looking deeply, so one day I made the statement that God is a lesbian, and this is my insight."

Excerpt from Dharma Talk given by Thich Nhat Hanh on July 20, 1998 in Plum Village, France.

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."

Tom Clancy

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the BMW 323IS."

Lynn Lavner

"I couldn't help myself. They were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them! Then she started screaming 'MY EYES!, MY EYES!' and ruined the mood."

Anonymous

"Want a taste of religion? Lick a witch."

Anonymous

"In a perfect world...spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra, and are looking for a new relationship."

Anonymous

"In the twelfth century, if musicians didn't play in front of the king correctly, we would have been beheaded. We were minstrels and fools. Now we're icons and deities and demi-gods."

Al Jourgensen

"It's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for my sex machine!"

T-Shirt

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."

Sigmund Freud on the Irish

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious."

Alan Minter

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Murray Mexted, New Zealand Rugby Commentator

"President Bush wants to make an amendment to the Constitution to ban gay marriage. I think he is wrong and out of step with the way attitudes are changing around the world. What is so scary about gay people getting equal rights? Why shouldn't everyone have the option to go and officially register their relationship? But more importantly to me, why should gay people not get the health, tax and other benefits for their partners and families that straight people get?"

Alan Cumming

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

Dave Barry

"I know forgiveness is out of the question. I just ask for what we all ask of the people we respect—that the thought of me does not compel you to spasms of projectile vomiting."

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."

Thomas à Kempis

"I have a lot of these things with me all the time. I get given some and find others. One was a key ring that Johnny [Depp] gave me as a wrap gift for Pirates. Here's a piece of greenstone Billy Boyd gave me. I found this shell on the beach in Thailand. This is a prayer baton I got in India. I picked up this tiny silver ball in Tokyo. This is a New York City handcuff key, so if I get into any strife, I can get myself out. I think I'll hold on to that. I've always kept all these funny little things, even as a kid. But I'm trying to cut it out, become more streamlined. Otherwise it starts to feel like the things own you. These things fill up my heart. If I were to ever lose them, I'd be really devastated. Isn't that pathetic?"

Orlando Bloom

Bethy: "If I were a knife, where would I be?"

Me: "Well, if I were a knife, I'd be in the kitchen or in my knife bag. But maybe you are a sneaky knife and you're under the couch."

(later)

Bethy: "It was on the Kleenex box."

Me: "...You are a very scary knife."

(later)

Bethy: "I can't remember where I put my [laptop] mouse."

Me: "It's in the Kleenex box with the knife."

Bethy: "It's like an odd, odd game of Clue, isn't it?"

Personal Quote

"Everything is a dangerous drug except reality, which is unendurable."

Cyril Connolly

"If you see a whole thing—it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives... But up close a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern."

Ursula K. Le Guin

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think."

Anonymous

"Dr. Daniel, no offense, but I've been working with Patrick Jane for nine months now. You want to get under my skin, you're going to have to up your game."

Van Pelt, "The Mentalist"

"It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music."

Ursula K. Le Guin

"Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence."

Dr. McCoy, "Star Trek" (2009)

Cho: "Look, a goat. Goats are signs of Satan."

Lisbon: "So petting zoos are like gateways to hell?"

Cho: "Pretty much."

"The Mentalist"

Kirk: "Who was that pointy-eared bastard?"

McCoy: "I don't know, but I like him."

"Star Trek" (2009)

"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."

Ursula K. Le Guin

Jane: "I've a daughter that would be about your age if I hadn't caused her death...her and her mother."

Frankie O'Keefe: "How?"

Jane: "Out of arrogance...stupidity. I made an evil man very angry and he killed them to teach me a lesson. To make me sorry for what I've done...and I am sorry. Being sorry is a far worse punishment than being dead, everybody dies...very few people ever feel truly sorry for the bad things they've done."

"The Mentalist"

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