Quotes
"There is always a clue."
Gil Grissom, "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation"
"In the marketplace they are piling the dry sticks.
A thicket of shadows is a poor coat. I inhabit
The wax image of myself, a doll's body.
Sickness begins here: I am a dartboard for witches.
Only the devil can eat the devil out.
In the month of red leaves I climb to a bed of fire.
It is easy to blame the dark: the mouth of a door,
The cellar's belly. They've blown my sparkler out.
A black-sharded lady keeps me in a parrot cage.
What large eyes the dead have!
I am intimate with a hairy spirit.
Smoke wheels from the beak of this empty jar.
If I am a little one, I can do no harm.
If I don't move about, I'll knock nothing over. So I said,
Sitting under a potlid, tiny and inert as a rice grain.
They are turning the burners up, ring after ring.
We are full of starch, my small white fellows. We grow.
It hurts at first. The red tongues will teach the truth.
Mother of beetles, only unclench your hand:
I'll fly through the candle's mouth like a singeless moth.
Give me back my shape. I am ready to construe the days
I coupled with dust in the shadow of a stone.
My ankles brighten. Brightness ascends my thighs.
I am lost, I am lost, in the robes of all this light."
"Witch Burning" by Sylvia Plath
"There isn't enough room for me and your ego."
Vesper, "Casino Royale" (film)
"This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. Thank God we're pretty."
Forrest, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (series)
Kaylee: "Everybody's got somebody... Wash, tell me I'm pretty..."
Wash: "Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion."
Kaylee: "'Cause I'm pretty?"
Wash: "'Cause you're pretty."
Kaylee: "Thank you. That was very restorative."
"Firefly"
Shane: "When I was little, my brother and I used to lie in the back [of the Grand Marquis] and we'd fit."
Mike: "Were you spooning?"
Shane: "No!"
Jason: "Who was the baby spoon and who was the mama spoon?"
Mike: "They were equal spoons."
Shane: "We were not spoons!"
Jason: "All right, cuddling."
Mike: "...Somehow, that makes it worse."
Personal Quote
after seeing the trailer for Twilight and I can't stop laughing
Mom: "You are going to get stabbed by a 13-year-old girl."
Me: "I can take them. I read literature, bitch, bring it!"
Mom: "A mob of 13-year-olds."
Personal Quote
upon seeing Edward sparkle
Me: "He's the glitter fairy! He's been clubbing. Once you get that glitter on you, it never comes off."
Bella: "You're beautiful."
Me: "And you don't look at all gay. Really."
"Twilight"; Personal Quote
after seeing Twilight
Me: "Well...I can't believe we paid $6.75 to see this."
Amanda: "I don't know...I haven't laughed like that in a long time."
Nikki: "Poor Edward, though!"
Me: "Why?"
Nikki: "It must hurt to have that stick up his ass all the time."
Amanda: "Was it just me or did Bella look constipated the whole movie?"
Personal Quote
Aaron: "Did my pizza come, yet?"
Me: "I canceled the order. Sorry."
Aaron: "Don't even joke about that."
Me: "Soon, [the office] shall turn on each other!"
Aaron: "We will turn on you! 'Does anyone want a leg? NOMNOMNOM!'"
(the pizza arrives)
Aaron: "Oh, my God, I love you. I want to marry you."
Me: "Are you talking to me or the pizza?"
Aaron: "...All of the above."
Personal Quote
"I like dressing in drag. And I guess I must have been pretty good-looking because when I was on the set these guys from other projects would be staring at me and giving me the eye. But I probably wouldn't have sex with myself. Unless it was three in the morning and there was no one else left in the bar."
Michael Rosenbaum, on "Sorority Boys"
Elaine: "When you think about it, girls are like growy things."
Me: "..."
Elaine: "No! We're like pitrie dishes. We grow things in them and they come out. It's gross."
Me: "You just likened our reproductive systems to pitrie dishes."
Elaine: "Cells grow!"
Me: "Like bacteria?"
Elaine: "It's gross. I've had whole conversations with Ben like that. 'Being a girl is gross!' And he says, 'I'm sorry.' But I wouldn't want to be a boy because they're douches."
Me: "I wouldn't want to be a boy because they smell bad sometimes."
Personal Quote
Out Magazine: "So, you're our Hottest Straight Guy."
Jonathan Rhys Meyers: "That's pretty bold. No one's ever accused me of being straight before. Nice one."
June 2006 "Out Magazine"
Me: "You should do a tutorial!"
Sandra: "Okay. It will involve a lot of erections."
Me: "That's always a good thing, in a tutorial, don't you think?"
Personal Quote
"You can look at me with those judgmental eyes all you want, but I bullshit you not, I will bleed on the American flag to make sure those stripes stay red."
Theodore Brassel, "Mission: Impossible III"
"You hung me out of a plane. You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they treat people they don't have to treat well."
Owen Davian, "Mission: Impossible III"
(recapping the ending to "Mission: Impossible III")
"Here, honey, these are all my superspy friends. Their real names are blahblah and they live at blahblah and I'm going to bring you right into the heart of our operation because of course the government won't mind! Now let's walk out with everyone cheering."
Me, Personal Quote
Me: "Your fax didn't go through."
Chelsie: "I can never do this!"
(later)
Me: "What's the screen say now?"
Chelsie: "Sending page four."
Me: "Looks like this'll go through."
Chelsie: "What are you, fucking psychic?"
Me: "I am, actually, but I can only predict when faxes will go through so it's not lucrative."
Chelsie: "...You wanna work on that."
Me: "I know."
Personal Quote
Brian Hiatt: "There's certain fans who see a gay subtext in all those long, intense gazes between Lex and Clark. What do you make of that?"
Michael Rosenbaum: "I love it. In fact, if there's a line where I look at Clark and I say [with intense gaze], 'If you need me, I'm there,' we laugh our asses off. It takes us 10 takes to get it out. Let the audience think what they want to think. If they watch the show, they have their own views on which way it's gonna go, and I love that. I don't want to give the answers away, because the answers lie in their minds."
June 2003 EW.com interview, discussing "Smallville"
Stephanie: "My husband likes Kane, too. But for far, far different reasons than I."
Me: "Why does he like them?"
Stephanie: "Um, he likes them for the vocal quality. He misses the visual aspect."
Me: "I like them for the both. And Chris [Kane]'s arms are freaking huge."
Stephanie: "Do you love how he stands all crooked-shoulder like that?"
Me: "Yes, the crooked shoulders! And he cocks his hips a little. Gah!"
Stephanie: "God, he loves how sexy he is. If he could fuck himself, he would. And sing to himself while he did it."
Me: "I bet he preens in the mirror. 'Who's a pretty boy? That's right, baby. You are.'"
Stephanie: "Oh, God. And he probably looks up and winks to himself after he puts his hat on and tapes up his fingers."
Personal Quote
Me: "Have you seen the WB candid thingies for Jared [Padalecki] and Jensen [Ackles]?"
Elaine: "No."
Me: "Jared like hugs him and gets his leg up on him."
Elaine: "..."
Me: "They're gay for each other." (sings) "Gay! Gay! They're gay for each other! Gay! Gay! Gay for each other!"
Elaine: "That's a beautiful song."
(five minutes later)
Elaine: "God damn it!"
Me: "What?"
Elaine: "That damn song is in my head!"
Together: "Gay! Gay! Gay for each other! Gay! Gay! Gay for each other!"
(five minutes later)
Elaine: "Gay! Gay! Gay for each other!"
Me: "Now picture Hello, Kitty skipping along to it. Gay! Gay! Gay for each other!"
Elaine: "OH, NO, WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!"
Personal Quote
Elaine: (with a broken broom in hand) "Zombies."
Me: "You're going to use a hollow metal rod that bends to beat on zombies?"
Elaine: "Yes."
Me: "They'd be like, 'What is she...? Is she trying to hurt me?'"
Elaine: "'Is she trying to be cute...? What...?'"
Me: "'Should I say ow? Will that make her feel better? Ego boost? Ow. Ow.' And then he eats you."
Personal Quote
Elaine: "[My friend] Mike is in my shadow."
Me: "Soon, he will want to be like you. He'll start growing his hair out long. Then he'll start wearing skirts. Next thing you know, he's wearing his boyfriend's wifebeater."
Elaine: "..."
Me: "You're all, 'I like that.'"
Elaine: "I'm trying to decide who to slash him with. I'm liking Joaquin [Phoenix]. He'd look good with Joaquin."
Me: "Laine, everyone looks good with Joaquin. You could see him with [my cat] and you'd be all, 'My God, that's hot.'"
Elaine: (leaves the room)
Me: (following) "No, really. You're all, 'Oh, who's that with Joaquin? They're very hot together.' And I'm like, 'Elaine, that's his reflection.' He's hot with anyone. Joaquin and [my ferret]. That's hot."
Elaine: "..."
Me: "Joaquin says, 'Ahh! There's a ferret in my pants!' and the fangirls die."
Elaine: "I'm leaving."
Personal Quote
(preparing to be in a student film)
Elaine: "I asked [the director] what to wear and he said bring whatever I slept in. I KNEW IT! I should go, 'This is how I sleep. Naked.'"
Me: "You should bring something horrible."
Elaine: "Or I could do options. What I normally wear, something slutty, and something all covered up. 'It depends on my mood.'"
Me: "You should bring a clown suit. Just throw it in there."
Elaine: (thoughtful) "Do I have a clown suit?"
Me: "BRING [MY] FERRET! Be all, 'What? He's comfortable.'"
Elaine: "'I wrap him around my neck. This is how I sleep.'"
Me: "'He wriggles.'"
Personal Quote
Me: "My head hurts, Ben. I need a new head. I'm waiting until they're on sale at Wal-Mart. ...Head's on sale at Wal-Mart. I thought they were a Christian organization."
Ben: "Well, boy's pants are half off."
Personal Quote
Heidi: (looking through candy dish) "Did you get any more of those valium candies?"
Me: "Those go the fastest."
Personal Quote
(watching "Disco Pigs")
Elaine: "Is there a hole?"
Me: "Yes."
Elaine: "Like...that they can put things through? ...Oh. They hold hands. Oh."
Me: "It's not a glory hole, Elaine!"
Personal Quote
(after watching "Disco Pigs")
Elaine: "Cillian Murphy has lost all attraction for me."
Me: "It took me a week to get over it. You have to watch a lot of 28 Days Later to get rid of Disco Pigs."
Personal Quote
Me: "Well, I'll just put the subtitles in Mandarin."
Elaine: "Ooh, then we can pretend to be cool!"
Personal Quote
Me: "Chad Michael Murray looks really high in that picture."
Elaine: "He does. He always does that lazy-eyed thing."
Me: "No, no, he does. He looks drugged. And I think that's part of the attraction; he can't run as fast."
Elaine: (whips around, walks out of the room, then leans back in) "I know what you mean and that DISTURBS ME. I think all the ladies like 'bedroom-eyed' men [because] it means they can't run as fast."
Personal Quote
(while watching "Dawn of the Dead")
Me: "Anyone with so much as a scratch on them would get shot. Does that make me a bad person?"
Mom: "Probably."
(later)
Me: "If I were in charge, the whole place would get nuked. From a governmental standpoint, it's smarter. Even if you went in to pick up survivors, if you picked up an infected, the whole thing starts over. So if I were in charge, nuke."
Ben & Mom: "..."
Me: "...Maybe I shouldn't be in charge."
Personal Quote
Me: (under breath) "Slackers. Get back to work."
Braden: "What?!"
Me: "Nothing...nothing. I didn't say anything..."
Aaron: "We work, [buhfly]. We need breaks."
Me: "I control the candy dish, do not talk back to me."
Braden: "...That's true."
Aaron: "We love you, [buhfly]."
Personal Quote
Bill: "You have to keep it to just us that I helped decorate the Christmas tree."
Barbara: "Because it would tarnish your reputation?"
Bill: "I'm in [executive] security." (sees some of the girls pointing at him through glass door) "See? It starts. You have to tell them something. I'm in security. We'll tell them that times are rough and in my off hours I'm a...what do you call it...?"
Me: "Decorator?"
Bill: "Oh, God."
(later)
Bill: "What is this?"
Barbara: "It's the bow. It goes on top of the tree and the ribbon ends trail down."
Me: "Oh, instead of a star. Cool."
Bill: "I'm not feeling it. The bow isn't speaking to me."
(later)
Me: "Look at the pretty tree! Bill is such a good decorator."
Bill: (groans)
Me: "I'll tell everyone, 'Look at Bill's beautiful tree.'"
Bill: "I will kill myself."
Me: "[We'll] put it in the newsletter."
Barbara: "We'll put it on [the website]!"
Personal Quote
"Spike and Angel; they were hanging out for years and years and years. They were all kinds of deviant. Are people thinking they never...? Come on, people! They're opened minded guys!"
Joss Whedon, "Angel" commentary for episode 5.15
(while watching "Justice League")
Hawkgirl: (to Wonder Woman) "Like oil and vinegar. We go together but we don't mix."
Me: "Actually, if you add some lemon juice, it acts as an emulsifier and—"
Jimmy: "That was such a geek moment."
Me: "...But it's true! All we'd need is to cut up a pound of lemons and squirt them, then put them in a blender and they'll be the best of friends."
Jimmy: "You are such a nerd."
Me: "Shut up. I don't recall asking you. Bitch."
Personal Quote
(after having to walk quite a ways to the car)
Me: "It's hot."
Jimmy: "Stop whining. It's good for you to be outside sometimes."
Me: "I don't like being outside, Jimmy. That's where the nature lives."
Personal Quote
Elaine: "If I ever meet [Josh Holloway], I am so dry humping him! Wish you were there for the blushing and the embarrassment because I'm doing it anyway."
Me: "You'd be like a little puppy. 'I'm so sorry, Josh! She's getting spayed next week. Usually the females don't do that, but she apparently thinks she's your alpha.'"
Personal Quote
Me: "[Our friend] is pregnant. She's breeding."
Jimmy: "Yeah, that happens."
Me: "This is the End of Days. The Old Ones shall eat us any time now. The dinner bell is ringing for Cthulhu. Speaking of, I got your birthday present. It's stupid and overpriced, but you'll love it."
Jimmy: "...I'm guessing it has something to do with Cthulhu?"
Me: "...No. 'Speaking of Cthulhu, I got you a puppy!'"
Jimmy: "'Speaking of Chthulhu, I got you a goldfish.'"
Me: "No, that would make more sense than a puppy, even. At least a goldfish is aquatic. 'Speaking of Cthuhlhu, I got you a lovely oakwood china hutch!'"
Jimmy: "Now that is random."
Personal Quote
"I've worn more makeup and tights over the years than my wife."
Will Kemp
Me: "What are you in the mood for?"
John: "We could go drag queen hunting or see a play or watch movies or go see strippers or go bowling or combine any of them."
Me: "Drag Queen Bowling!"
John: "So how do we get the drag queens to the bowling alley?"
Me: "Make it sparkly?"
John: "So we need to buy glitter right away."
Me: "And glue."
John: "We will need glamorous balls. Bowling balls, that is."
Personal Quote
Me: "Following a link on someone's userinfo, I ended up at the polyamory community. They use the word 'lovestyle,' in their bio. I shall now attempt to use 'lovestyle' in all my conversations."
Bethy: "I fear you."
Me: "Aww. Fear has no place in my lovestyle."
Personal Quote
Me: "Your laptop has bonded with me."
Mom: "The hell it has!"
Me: "It loves me best."
Mom: "It loves me best!"
Me: "It doesn't even know you!"
Mom: "That's because you gained custody illegally! You kidnapped it!"
Me: "I adopted it."
Personal Quote
Jase: "I so own you."
Andrea: "If he owns you...can I rent? Is there a timeshare deal we can work out?"
Me: "Oi, now. I'm not rentable. Although, I will wander away from him for candy."
Personal Quote
Bethy: "Mom might go see Peter Pan with us. I figure it's the movie with the least amount of [inappropriate] comments to make."
Me: "You never know, Captain Hook was a pedophile."
Bethy: "I hate your mind."
Me: "Thank you. It's okay, though, because he mostly wanted Peter Pan and Peter was hundreds and hundreds of years old!"
Bethy: "Point."
Me: "He's actually a vampire. He feeds off the children he brings to Neverland. JUST LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON!"
Bethy: "...Have I mentioned you scare me?"
Me: (smiles)
Bethy: "In the bad way."
Personal Quote
"I wanted to kiss [Tobery Maguire] there. If I didn't have the cigarette holder in my mouth I would have. Something about that hairline drove me wild!"
Johnny Depp, on filming "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
"[Tigers are] wild animals. Even if they're bred in captivity, a part of their brain must say, 'Rawr fuck off!'"
Ewan McGregor
Bethy: "I put slashy night for the 31st."
Me: "New Year's means gay boysex! ...As opposed to straight boysex...which I have never seen."
Personal Quote
"First of all, [David] Boreanaz cannot sing. He sings in the shower. ...Not that I would know about that."
Christian Kane in a BBC interview on "Angel"
"'No,' said Mr. Nancy. 'But it's just dark. You mustn't be afraid of the dark.'
'I'm not,' said Shadow. 'I'm afraid of the people in the dark.'"
"American Gods" by Neil Gaiman
"The long-beaked white head shook from side to side, gravely. 'It doesn't matter that you didn't believe in us,' said Mr. Ibis. 'We believed in you.'"
"American Gods" by Neil Gaiman
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