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Quotes

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

Philip K. Dick

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. For when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

Nietzsche

"Cthulhu Worship: The belief that when the stars line up right, some magical flying octopus from outer space who's been sleeping under the South Pacific for a hundred million years is going to wake up and eat your soul. Makes perfect sen—AAAGHGH! MY EYES! THE ANGLES! OH, GOD, THE ANGLES!"

Anonymous

"They will have to admit to themselves the full extent of their helplessness and their insignificance in the machinery of the universe; they can no longer be the center of creation, no longer the object of tender care on the part of a benevolent Providence. ...We may call this 'education to reality'. ...It is something, at any rate, to know that one is thrown upon one's own resources. One learns to make a proper use of them."

Sigmund Freud

"Perhaps as one of the older generation, I should preach a little sermon to you, but I do not propose to do so. I shall, instead, give you a word of advice about how to behave toward your elders. When an old and distinguished person speaks to you, listen carefully and with respect—but do not believe him. Never put your trust in anything but your own intellect. Your elder, no matter whether he has gray hair or lost his hair, no matter whether he is a Nobel Laureate, may be wrong... So you must always be skeptical—always think for yourself."

Linus Pauling

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

Mark Twain

"Animals are such agreeable friends, they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms."

George Eliot

"Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it."

Winston Churchill

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of majority, it is time to reform."

Mark Twain

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."

Henry Ford

"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others throw at him or her."

David Brinkley

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

Mark Twain

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

Mahatma Gandhi

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."

James Heller

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's another thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

Jeff Stilson

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."

Anatole France

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it but that it is too low and we reach it."

Michelangelo

"Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom."

Phyllis Theroux

"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going."

David Starr Jordan

(discussing the Twilight books and movie)

Me: "Don't you think, if Edward went and glittered in the daylight, people would just assume he was a gay man who was very comfortable with the glitter wand, rather than a bloodthirsty predator? I'm just saying."

Tricia: "You know, when we first saw Twatlight, I said the same thing...I have seen people in clubs who are way more sparklefied than he was! That was maybe a two or three on the Sparkle Scale. I'd probably just be like, 'Ugh, how do people stand to smear that much glitter shit all over themselves? Who has time?!'"

Me: "Or the inclination to be vaguely itchy and randomly sparkly ON EVERYTHING for the next week."

Tricia: "Do you think sparklepires ever get glitterballs? Like a cat with hairballs, but they just kinda hack a bit and a wad of glitter comes out all over the floor?"

Me: "Prettiest. vomit. ever."

Tricia: "Well, you know, she said if they eat or drink anything, they just puke it up later, so I wonder if it comes out like that..."

Me: "Can you imagine Edward trying to get glitter out of the grout in the bathroom? 'DAMMIT EMMETT!'"

Tricia: "'I ASK SO FEW THINGS IN LIFE! IF YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE AN ANIMAL, YOU MAY AS WELL GO OUTSIDE AND DIG A HOLE WHEN THE NEED STRIKES! NOT ONLY DO YOU MAKE THE BATHROOM RESEMBLE THAT OF A TWELVE YEAR OLD GOTH GIRL, YOU INTENTIONALLY PUT SPARKLES IN MY CLEANING PRODUCTS!'"

Me: "'WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE TIME TO PUT SPARKLES IN MY WINDEX, EMMETT? DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO HURT ME? I ONLY TRY TO MAKE OUR HOME MORE COMFORTING FOR YOU!'"

Tricia: "'WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FLORAL SCENTS SMELL LIKE A BITCH? I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THE PRESENCE OF A FEMALE DOG THAT SMELLED OF LAVENDER FIELDS! I ONLY WISH OUR HOME TO SMELL OF PLEASANT THINGS AND NOT HARSH CHEMICALS. WHY MUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING?'"

Me: "'DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I CARE ABOUT YOU AND OUR HOME AND HOW IT LOOKS TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD? WHAT KIND OF SLOVEN WOULD DEAR BELLA THINK YOU WERE IF SHE HEARD YOU DISPARAGING MY CLEANING PRODUCTS? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, EMMETT? IS IT?'"

Tricia: "'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T THINK SHE HAS ENOUGH PERSONALITY TO FORM OPINIONS? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW SHE HAS EXACTLY AS MUCH PERSONALITY AS IS PERFECT FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE! YOU ARE SIMPLY JEALOUS THAT YOU AND ROSE ARE MORE CONCERNED WITH BREAKING HOUSES AND LESS WITH HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!'"

Me: "'BELLA IS A WONDERFUL GIRL, EMMETT. SHE UNDERSTANDS THE IMPORTANCE OF CLEAN GROUT AND WINDEX UNCLOUDED BY SPARKLES. SHE HAS CLEAR PRIORITIES, EMMETT. MAYBE YOU COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM HER AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON.'"

Tricia: "'YES I KNOW YOU AREN'T TECHNICALLY A PERSON! JUST—UGH, DON'T YOU HAVE A HOUSE IN TAHITI TO BREAK? I GUESS IT'S ANOTHER TRIP TO THE STORE FOR ME! YOU KNOW, MONEY MIGHT BE AN INFINITE RESOURCE FOR US, BUT OTHERS ARE SUFFERING RIGHT NOW, EMMETT! AND YET YOU FORCE ME TO TOSS MY BLACK CREDIT CARDS AROUND LIKE HALLOWEEN CANDY AT A PARADE BECAUSE OF YOUR IMMATURITY.'"

Me: "'DOES IT MAKE YOU HAPPY TO KNOW THAT CHILDREN ARE STARVING IN SOMALIA, BUT HERE I AM BUYING YET ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINDEX TO APPEASE YOUR CHILDISHNESS? DOES IT, EMMET? MUST YOU MOCK THE STARVING CHILDREN, EMMETT?'"

Tricia: "'SEND THEM A BOX FULL OF WINDEX? I DON'T SEE WHAT GOOD THAT WOULD DO, EMMETT. DO YOU KNOW THEY DON'T HAVE WINDOWS THERE? THEY LIVE IN SQUALOR THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR ILK. YOU WASTE MONEY ON VIDEO GAMES, FILTHY MOVIES AND THAT AWFUL RAP "MUSIC" YOU SO LOVE. DON'T THINK THAT ISN'T THE REASON I PREFER TO INVITE BELLA OVER WHEN YOU ARE NOT AROUND. HER INNOCENT EARS DO NOT NEED TO HEAR SONGS ABOUT WOMENS' BEHINDS AND THE SALE OF ILLICIT SUBSTANCES.'"

Me: "'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK BELLA COULD "MOVE DAT ASS"? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, EMMETT. MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY TO PROVIDE YOU WITH AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION, PLEASE TRY TO USE IT, OUT OF RESPECT FOR THEM. NOW LEAVE ME, I MUST SCRUB BETWEEN THE TILES WITH A TOOTHBRUSH AND YOU ARE LOUD AND DISTRACTING.'"

Tricia: "And thus, another day at the Cullen household begins."

Personal Quote

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. It is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

Mark Twain

"I have a story that will make you believe in God."

Francis Adirubasamy, "The Life of Pi" by Yann Martel

"He wondered at the vast conceit of those who had babbled of the malignant Ancient Ones, as if They could pause from their everlasting dreams to wreak a wrath on mankind. As well, he thought, might a mammoth pause to visit frantic vengeance on an angleworm."

"Through the Gates of the Silver Key" by H. P. Lovecraft & E. Hoffman Price

"Set a pen to a dream, and the colour drains from it."

"The Night Ocean" by R. H. Barlow & H. P. Lovecraft

"[His Dark Materials is] a story, not a treatise, not a sermon or a work of philosophy. I'm telling a story, I'm showing various characters whom I've invented saying things and doing things and acting out beliefs which they have, and not necessarily which I have. The tendency of the whole thing might be this or it might be that, but what I'm doing is telling a story, not preaching a sermon."

Philip Pullman

"I cannot persuade myself that a beneficient and omnipotent God would have designedly created parasitic wasps with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of caterpillars."

Charles Darwin

(cooking and watching TV that displays girls in bikinis)

Nick: "Oh, look at that hottie. I wonder what she wants to do with her life?"

Shawn: "What?"

Nick: "You know how Bianca wants to go to cooking school and Silvia wants to be a pilot...and... Oh, my God, I actually know these girls. As like...friends. And I care. I'm becoming a fully formed person with like sensitivity and empathy! Alright! I'm a person!"

(Nick looks at the TV)

Nick: "Aw, look at the pooper on that one! I could rest my beer on that shit."

Shawn: "And you're back."

"Fired Up!"

"She started to turn away, but impulsively I reached for her hand and pulled her back. 'Mother, I'm frightened.'

'Of course you are. It's natural to be nervous on your wedding day.'

'I'm not nervous. I'm frightened.'

'Then you must be brave.'

'I am not brave,' I pleaded. 'You know I'm not.'

Beside me, she stiffened. 'I won't listen to any more of this. You're my daughterócourage isn't a choice for you. Consider it an unreturnable gift from your ancestors. You might think you don't want it now, but when you're my age you'll be thankful. If you were a coward and weak, do you think your father and I would let you go?'"

"The Commoner" by John Burnham Schwartz

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize."

Julia Child

"So, not only yesterday do I find out I'm adopted...the people I've been calling 'Mom' and 'Dad' are actually two infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed...but I also get this news dropped on me—my birth father? Bruce? Well, he needs a kidney and I'm the only match and apparently Bruce needs it "stat". Mmm-hmm. You need it stat, Bruce? Huh? Well, maybe I needed a father stat instead of my stay-at-home dad who showers me with love every day of his life, this goddamn spermless liar! So, now I have to be at Kaiser Permanente at 6 a.m. tomorrow. I know, Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital...managed care. Ironic, isn't it? He never managed to care for me."

Nick, "Fired Up!"

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."

Dalai Lama

Andy: "You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?"

Red: "No."

Andy: "They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory."

"The Shawshank Redemption"

"And now, when the world has changed, and Arthur—my brother, my lover, king who was and king who shall be—lies dead (the common folk say sleeping) in the Holy Isle of Avalon, the tale should be told as it was before the priests of the White Christ came to cover it all with their saints and legends.

For, as I say, the world itself has changed. There was a time when a traveller, if he had the will and knew only a few of the secrets, could send his barge out into the Summer Sea and arrive not at Glastonbury of the monks, but at the Holy Isle of Avalon; for at that time the gates between the worlds drifted within the mists, and were open, on to another, as the traveller thought and willed. For this is the great secret, which was known to all educated men in our day: that by what men think, we create the world around us, daily new."

"The Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley

(after the table makes a comment about the food having AIDS because Lafayette is gay)

Lafayette: "'Scuse me...who ordered the hamburger...with AIDS?"

Royce: "I ordered the hamburger deluxe."

Lafayette: "In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe come with French fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and...AIDS! Do anybody got a problem with that?"

Royce: "Yeah! I'm an American and I have a say in who makes my food."

Lafayette: "Aw, baby it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raisin' your chickens, even brewin your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your goddamn table got AIDS."

Royce: "You still ain't makin' me eat no AIDS burger."

Lafayette: "Well, all you gotta do is say hold the AIDS. Here...eat it."

(Lafaette picks up the bun, licks it, and smashes it in Royce's face, then beats up everyone at the table when they attack him)

Lafayette: "Bitch, you come in my house, you gonna eat my food THE WAY I FUCKIN' MAKE IT. Do you understand me? Tip your waitress."

"True Blood"

"Get busy living or get busy dying. That's goddamn right."

Red, "The Shawshank Redemption"

"Anyone can be passionate, it takes real lovers to be silly."

Rose Franken

"Every child is an artist. The problem is staying an artist when you grow up."

Pablo Picasso

"Listen, there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go."

E. E. Cummings

"Tears mess up your makeup."

Julia Child

"How to commit the perfect murder was an old game in heaven. I always chose the icicle: the weapon melts away."

Susie Salmon, "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold

"Ben [Affleck] is half of one of the greatest love stories ever told. Not with me. The actual prototype for the great Hollywood Bromance... Here's proof that love is alive and well in Hollywood. At least for my darling husband and my husband's darling husband."

Jennifer Garner, Lifetime Achievement Award presentation from AFI

"Pretty much shove anything in my face and I'll eat it."

Charlie, Personal Quote

Me: "Why are my friends so weird?"

Charlie: "You are surrounded by an orgy of weird."

Me: "...You've been using the word 'orgy' a lot."

Charlie: "Well, ever since I was in that orgy..."

Personal Quote

Diane Kruger: "I really love George Clooney."

Reporter: ""What's not to love about George Clooney?"

Diane Kruger: "I know, right? It's too bad he's so ugly."

Oscars Red Carpet

(while playing Heavy Rain)
Charlie: "Just don't shoot anymore people."

Me: "It was the first button I saw!"

Charlie: "And what if that button had been to shoot yourself?"

Me: "Then the game would have been over. ...And do you know how many times you lost The Game today alone?"

Charlie: *turns slowly to glare at me* "Mother—fuck—you."

Personal Quote

"Are the zombies in The Crazies real zombies? Maybe, maybe not. Is there an agreed definition of what is a zombie and how they get that way? Not that I know of. I think zombies are defined by behavior and can be 'explained' by many handy shortcuts: the supernatural, radiation, a virus, space visitors, secret weapons, a Harvard education and so on."

Roger Ebert

"This wouldn't do. Leigh Anne Tuohy was an extreme, and seemingly combustible, mixture of tenderness and willfulness. She cried when a goldfish died. On her daily walks, when she spotted an earthworm sizzling on the sidewalk, she picked it up and put it back on the grass. On the other hand, when a large drunk man pushed and cut his way in front of her in a line outside a football game, she grabbed him by the arm and screamed, "You just get your fat ass right back where it belongs. Now!" When she did things like this, her husband would shrug and say, "You have to understand that my wife has a heart the size of a pea. If you cross her, she will step on your throat and take you out and she won't feel a thing." Sean had decided, no matter what the potential gains, it was never worth provoking his wife."

"The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game" by Michael Lewis

Charlie: *points* "VW bus!"

Me: "Your face is a VW bus."

Charlie: "My face is not a VW bus. You cannot ride my face."

Me: "..."

Charlie: "I...oh."

Me: "I'm...not saying a word."

Charlie: "Well, you don't have to, do you?"

Me: "I am, however, quoting you [on the internet]."

Charlie: "As long as you end [it] with, 'I love Charlie.'"

Personal Quote

Me: *knocks on the open office door*

Chef Greenwalt: "The open door policy..."

Me: "Does not apply to me."

Greenwalt: "Think of the threshold as a shock collar."

Personal Quote

Me: "Chef, there's a tray of stuff in the butcher room..."

Chef Greenwalt: "It's for a private party at 2:30. GOD HELP YOU IF SO MUCH AS A SNOW PEA IS MISSING."

Me: "I was more interested in the cupcakes."

Chef O'Neill: *comes into the office* "What?"

Chef Greenwalt: "She was asking about the 2:30 food."

Chef O'Neill: "DON'T YOU TOUCH IT."

Me: "What's that? FAMILY MEAL? Thanks Chef!"

Personal Quote

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